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My Irrational Fear of Getting A Massage

Getting a Massage

As I eluded to, I’ve been incredibly busy with work and life and I’ve had ZERO time to blog. I’ve experienced a level of stress that I’m sure Jack Bauer deals with 24 hours at a time while he’s trying to protect America from another terrorist invasion.

My wife took notice of how stressed I’ve been and she suggested a massage may help me relax and possibly avoid snapping on the next person who cuts me off when I’m driving to or from work. [Editor's Note: Those guys that did that this past week are extremely lucky I don't own and carry a handgun. Otherwise Comic Bill Brumbach would have gladly been Inmate Bill Brumbach... or more realistically Prison Bitch Bill Brumbach.]

Needless to say, I’m a bit skittish about getting a massage. Before I agreed to anything, I decided I’d do some internet research about how socially acceptable it is for a rough and tough man [Editor's Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA] to patron a service that traditionally caters to women.

No seriously, they offer facials, manicures, and pedicures as part of massage packages. Those are DEFINITELY not male-targeted services.

If you do a Google Image Search for the word “massage” (provided for you in the link) it’s not until the second page that you find a picture of a man receiving a massage (pictured above). The images are almost exclusively of women. To make matters worse, the gentleman featured in the picture above DEFINITELY is not the embodiment of relaxation. He looks constipated and uncomfortable.

Rightfully so.

I have, what my wife describes as, an irrational fear of receiving a massage. But in my mind, my fear is not irrational.

First, let’s just assume the place that you’re going to receive your massage is a legitimate business and not a Filipino hand job palace. Because apparently those are very prevalent in Indiana. Even if I go to a legitimate massage parlor, some stranger is going to see me 95% naked and touch and rub my bare skin. How that could not scare the shit out of someone is beyond me.

My fear also stems from who is going to touch my body. Plainly put, it’s either going to be a girl or a guy. I’d say on the whole (having asked my wife who frequently receives massages) most masseuses are women. That would be fine if I was comfortable with another woman that wasn’t my wife touching my body.

Except that I’m not.

The possibilities are endless for me to find a way to embarrass myself (and probably the female masseuse as well). For instance, what if I become so relaxed that I release a huge fart and blow the towel completely off my ass, exposing it for her ocular enjoyment dismay?

Or worse… what if I get aroused and sport a massive an average erection? And as awful as that scenario would be with a female masseuse, if I got a raging hard on with a MALE MASSEUSE, the situation would be exponentially worse. Do I really want to find something out about myself  just to relax a little bit? That’s not a chance I’m willing to take.

[Editor's Note: Let me say that I am in no way homophobic. I have no problem with man to man contact unless that contact is in a truck stop bathroom off I-65... In that case I LOVE IT.]

So I’m just not that interested in getting a massage. Which is really unfortunate considering my wife got me a massage certificate to say ‘thank you’ for all the work I’ve been doing over the past few weeks.

Because when you give a woman a massage gift certificate, it’s a thoughtful gift that shows you care and understand she lives a very stressful and hectic life. It shows you encourage her to take some “her time” to relax, unwind, and receive some pampering.

But when you give a guy a massage gift certificate, it says “You strike me as a shady individual who would possibly jump at the chance for a happy ending” or “I want you to be as uncomfortable as possible for 60 to 90 minutes”.

2 thoughts on “My Irrational Fear of Getting A Massage

  1. Hey Bill!

    I thought your blog was quite funny but I just wanted to share a different perspective, since I am a massage therapist, and also encourage you in your decision not to get a massage. First, I will say that I have mostly female clients, but not by much. I work on plenty on tough guys that aren’t girly in any way. They are just guys that have stress and massage helps relax them and/or help with an injury. As far as seeing you 95% naked, it isn’t all at once and that might make a difference to you….a professional massage therapist will only undrape the body part we are working on, otherwise you should be completely covered by the sheet/blanket. And lastly, people fart. Especially when they relax. It’s embarrassing for you probably but seriously it isn’t something that will surprise the therapist.

    With all that being said, if you aren’t comfortable getting a massage, you shouldn’t get one. It will be a total waste of your money. Your wife can tell you she’s ok with another woman touching you, your friends can tell you it helps them but if you are convinced it’s weird or awkward it just won’t help you. The most talented therapist could work on you but if your stressed the whole time it’s actually counter-productive.

    Hope that helps!

    • This was great Tiffany. Though I think the bundle of irrational fear that is Bill could benefit from a massage, he has developed a lizard like defense to physical contact that allows him to disconnect a body part that’s being exposed to the human touch. While beneficial to him, it would be quite upsetting to the therapist. Thanks for coming by!

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